And it's getting worse

Somedays I feel like doing nothing at all, but deeply in my mind I know that I have to do something, and I also know that what I do sometimes isn't enough for what I want. I want so much, but I can't get it if I can't do my best for it. And I want to do my best, but I just can't see if it's worth or not. Well, I don't think it's, because y'all know, it's me. I'm not the best and not even good at something. I'm just me, an stupid-useless-shitty person. That's nothing I can do about it. Like the freaky Lady Gaga said, "I was born this way", but sorry Gaga, I'm not proud of it. Or should I be proud of being such a ridiculous one?
I just wanted to be smart. Then you should probably say, "go and study". Oh, yeah. Really? Unfortunally, I know. I know and I try, but I'm too dumb for anything. I can study, but nowadays I just don't know HOW. I have a purpose, my life changed. I wasn't someone who cares about all those things, but suddenly I have to care about it more and more. And I seriously don't know what to do, what to say or what to think. I can't stand it. I don't even want to talk about study and college and future because I know that IT WON'T BE THE WAY I WANT.
I wanna change. I really do. But it's not easy. You can't turn water into wine. So you have to know: I know I can do it, but I just don't know how.
I want to be somewhere else, somewhere away from all those things and feelings and thoughts. My thoughts. My twisted thoughts. Yeah, they're really spinning round my head...